2.12.2019 (BUT WHAT IF THE CRIMINAL GENUINELY REPENTED FOR HIS SINS)

Adrenaline Rush. Sober.. Cold.. Maybe Heartless.. Maybe selfish.. An angry soul. unbreathable.. a disaster.. unexplainable.. a crazy bitch, maybe.. a guilty soul.. when i finally writing again today coz i just feel like it, i need help, terribly. When i thought that by writing it would make my heart at ease. Instead, it makes me angrier, crazier, it's like my heart has gone numb. i missed my childhood, i missed my friend especially Mar, i missed you so bad i cant help it. i really do miss you so much. i missed u too much that i can't help the tears falling out from my eyes T_T . Now im married n dont wanna have kids yet. i am married and yet i feel so empty. im not alive. just married but already felt lifeless. im sorry. To my hubbs, im very sorry that i felt like this. i just felt theres something wrong with this marriage. my heart is not at peace. my performance is drowning. i hate myself every single day. i hate myself for feeling like this. i SINCERELY HATED MYSELF FOR WHAT IS IN MY BRAIN FOR WHAT IM THINKING! im sick of it. really.. im so sick of it. i cant breath sometimes and it hurts a lot. sometimes i wonder why did i chose this life. im so fucked up. maybe i need some me time. maybe i wanted a different life.. oh,, i dont know.. just i dont.. i cant explain it.. i wish im a good explainer just like u Mar.. im so sorry. it's just.. i dont think im in the right state of mind. What is my purpose in this life actually? do i love myself? i dont think i love myself. i get this overthinking things for no reason. i always thought that actually.. what's the purpose of me? why do i live in this world? im so jealous of others'. sometimes people can fake their happiness in front of the others. but me? i cant even fake it anymore. the more i fake it, the worse i get. the only thing that avoids me from doing all the stupid things nowadays was my dad. i cant even imagine his sorrow when im gone. coz hes hurt enough. at least if im there, he knows that i am there. i still got my own reasons to be here. if i didnt think about my aunty, my dad, i would have destroyed myself. TBH though. ive got a friend, a drug addict and then i asked them, whyd u take it? the reasons are : to fit in, to escape or relax, to relive boredom, to rebel, to experiment.. Now, lemme tell ya something. ive been here done there, its just im not stupid enuf to try wilder drugs. now when i think about it while imagining the face of my dad, my aunt, my problems (in a positive way) why did i do that? why am i being stupid? coz in my point of view, bad drugs causes more pain and sorrow. it leads to severe depression. humans can do so many great things if they know their functions very well. i mean, bad drugs, why do it when you know u will suffer more.