experiences

haven't write for ages.. yeah,, i realized that. n now what did i do? hahaha it has been a longgg time since i updated my latest post. n yeah.. now im just wondering, why i am still haunted by the memories of my past. the good things and also the bad things.. reminiscing.. sometimes, i wish i could be like Mardyati. she really knows now how to describe or interpret what is in her mind n also her opinion. yeah, i really wish i can have a skill like that.. to be honest mar, u never disappoint me. n yeah, this time im gonna talk from heart to heart about what do i think of u, starting from school. so, let's go back to the past shall we.. n here i will begin, at first when i met u, i have always thought that maybe i triggered your depression (who knows?) im a crazy bad ass bij at first yeah. n it's really hard to impress me babe. i've always blaming myself n u for everything that had happened during that time. i remembered that we also had argued a lot. n i did make uncountable mistakes to you in the past. during the teenage life before, i always put the blame on people, yeah n it was selfish of me to do so but actually it is i who create those chaos. please forgive me Mar, maybe now u see that i didnt care u as much but trust me, u r still on my mind. coz we r facing these hardships together.. n guess what? we survived. we did it. n now im working as a second engineer at shorefield.. n to be honest, i cant write things when i dont feel it. i need to feel it deeply in myself.. now im 22. n hell yeah, i have a lot of achievements that i nee to achieve in my life. im 22 n i dream big. n also imma busy lady(maybe or am i considered as a woman already hahaha) i have no idea. i've been drinking before, n yeah. a lottt.. from low level tolerance of drinking into high tolerance of drinking. before, i really loved party, beers, wine(a lil) n liquoooorrrrrrrrrr.. i drank it yes n became the focus point. i met a lot of race and big flirts. handsome peoples, pretty girls n felt like a queen. the way people treat me, how gentleman they can be for you. wanting this drink n that. so free so stress free n yet, hangover the next day which is not a gud thing but still repeating the same thing. n now it has been a long time since i quit drinking. n yeah, i miss to be the center of attention n dolling up myself. sometimes i really wish to be free for a day doing what i want but of course no drugs. just drink and getting high cause of drinking too much.cuz i really know how to opened up myself while i was drunk. it is the real me when im drunk. but also i can even think when im drunk. but it is quite sad when i saw soo much underage girls went to the bar. n as the time flies, i began to think. it was a great feeling or the best feeling ever to be the focus point at the bar but, at the same time.. deep in myself.. this is just not right. it is not right. i felt sin. it just felt so wrong. this is not what my parents had taught me to do. i dont get it. sometimes im confused.. i enjoy doing sins, i enjoy doing deeds. sometimes i have this overthinking self.. what? where? why? when? how? i sometimes questioned everything that i had done. i spend too much.. yes.. n why? just to feel gud for a while only. so i decided to go travel in the end of september 2016.. soon enough. sometimes i wish that i could think less like some people do. i truly cant accept when people say "if u could read my mind, u would be burst into tears" listen.. different people, different obstacles. dont compare your lifestory with their life. n here i thought i couldnt be haunted by the past.. n yeah why? why now the past is haunting me back? but no. i do not blame any people for this. i create those chaos n i must face it. n back to Mardyati... Mar, im really sorry, im trying the best i could to be a better person in every aspects.. i never ditched u guys. it seems lie i dont care but deep down.. i do. i really care.. im sorry bcoz i blamed u before. but actually it is me. i triggered everyone. n i shouldnt do that. im happy that i met u. u teach me what life is. u guide me to become stronger, emotionally.. u never fail to impress me with your writing skills n describing skills. n now i think. i became overthinking again n thought that i shud write. i shud force myself to interpret. if not, i will forever become a statue n heartless. i really missed u my bestie :) n seriously, i also cant imagine that we have reached until here. n life must go on. no matter what.. n now because of this. i knew i shud study about psychology in the first place.. but.. sigh..... let's just huhuuhuing then. LOVE-Zafff