for the first time and what about tomorrow?

my mom finds out bout it. she knows that i didn't eat.. she gets very mad bout it and she complained to me that she almost passed out when she knew that i didn't eat.. but to tell her the truth.. i also got mad and said. well, that's not my problem and it isn't a big matter, why should u bother mum? and duhh.. i made her cry for the first time. i've been yelling at her for the FIRST TIME.. i don't know what gotten into me. i continued to starve that my auntie threatened me that if i'm still continuing to this unhealthy habit she would bring me to a psychologist(of course i don't want right? so i had to eat. but i only ate vege's.. i'm cutting carbs) but it's strange. after i've eaten.. 2 hours after that. i began to vomit. but i didn't tell them about it.. i'm scared that they will take me to the doctors.. i can eat only less than 300 calories. not more. i've count it myself.. day by day.. i can't let food enters my throat.. i'm scared about tomorrow. how can i eat in front of everyone? if i didn't eat.. they will notice.. i can receive too many foods in my stomach anymore. it hurts. i kept to starve myself. i don't know why.. the more my family asked me to eat.. the more i don't wanna eat. CAUSE I HATE IT! I HATE IT! i cried like a sick person.. the more i don't want to become emotional. the more i became.. i pretended.. it's easy to pretend in front of people. but not at the back.. my weight is now 64 kg's.. not yet my target.. i'm aiming at 50kg.my weight is drowning rapidly day by day,, i hate to be fat. i will never ever be fat anymore. never again. not again. they made me hate myself. all my cousins are slim besides me and my lil bro. the two of us are very fat or obes u can say that. i'm neither pretty nor beautiful.. i hate this body.. yes.. now i can throw this fat anytime i wanted. i'm so tired.. day by day.. i'm getting so tired.. i can't let my family knows about this. so i kept a secret from them. this blog saves me. i can only let out my feelings in this blog.. sigh.. my families.. they don't understand me. i really hate especially that my mum.. she never understands me.. she expect too much from me.she only thinks about HER HER AND MY LIL BRO! she never thinks bout what made me happy. just let me die okay. none of her business. when i'm slim/thin enough, i'm gonna show her how beautiful my body were. i'm gonna wear pretty clothes. but not that sexy of course. during breakfast, she gave me 2 chicken eggs to eat. but i lied to her.. i bury the chicken egg at my backyard.. 1that's HER FAULT! NOT MY FAULT! she never ever let me diet! that's why this things happened! THIS IS ALL HER SINS! DAMN IT! it really breaks my heart when she fights with my father and said she wanted to convert to christian. that GIVES THE BIG IMPACT TO MY BRAIN! and made me so very down and frustrated. i wish my mum was my auntie. stupid mum. why did u do this to me huh? u said that sinful things really breaks my heart u know that. u lied to me. about this and that. u REALLY LIED TO ME! I HATE THAT U KNOW THAT! I REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE THAT! i hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee u!!! arghhhh! is it that compulsory to not diet?! u kept on saying all my fault! but wheres your fault old bag!! wheres your fault old bag??? where's your fault huh????? mum? answer me? shut up! don't keep on blaming me! i had enough of this! you really said that u want to convert to christ that much huh? go to hell then. hell awaits u. i just follow my dad.. don't u ever ever pretend in front of me anymore. i'm too mad now and u can't stop me anymore. although i'm like this. islam does important to me. serve u right. i don't give a fuck bout yo life ok? how dare u broke my heart like that... u kept on making my life a mess. ohh.. i knew it. all this while. and all this time. it is always been your fault.. and thanks for blaming me always.. congrats..